Cassandra wilde

we do not perform separate tasks. we live whole lives.

From the Community’s circle of heightened awareness, a lesson in how disciplines are most meaningful when they reveal how a life has been changed.

i started doing the wall discipline because i asked for an Advent discipline and this is what was given to me. i am thinking now that i should not ask for disciplines…i can offer to do them all, and i will do whatever i am told. But on November 15 i guess i wanted a discipline and i asked and got this one. And i think in my head it was like a task, a 45-day discipline, and i would do my best to be still. So i stood there following the discipline’s instructions and it was ok.

Then when Advent was over i was told to continue doing it, and i thought, “Why am i doing this now?” But of course i obeyed and over the last week…it’s become deeply arousing.

Standing against the wall tonight, i felt the tears begin to well up. i didn’t cry…i just let that sense wash over me. Probably tomorrow night, or the night after, i will cry. The tears accrue like that. And i thought that i cry because i have no control. That’s a fact. The tears are not an expression of frustration, though. They’re just like the tears of spiritual arousal…it’s a begging and a longing and a surrender. It’s wonderful and terrible. i’m not going anywhere…i know this in my heart. i never will…i never have. i’m here, and i can’t leave, not unless i am told to do so, i guess. And i don’t want to leave, no, i don’t want that. But standing facing a wall and feeling my utter powerlessness…it’s pretty overwhelming. And to feel my body respond…without even touching myself…it’s crazy. It reminds me of my need to give over, and my body leads the way.

 – m., a watchful sister.