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‘i don’t want to be violated; i long to be vulnerable’

From the community’s new member introduction area:

i could never find the words to describe what it was that i was after. The only association that came to my mind was SM. But i tried, and i hated it. i couldn’t understand why i was having violent fantasies, but i didn’t enjoy pain or humiliation on any level. Then i found other, more disturbing associations. When browsing the internet, clicking on the links that sounded descriptively arousing to me, i would sometimes find myself on websites that i found terrifying. i would think: is this what people with similar fantasies are interested in? Do they get excited by images of dead bodies massacred in war? Does the fact that i feel the need to submit means i’m like that?

Violence was also a large part of it. Since i saw my submissive side as mainly sexual, i tried being submissive in sex. i met the wrong men. They taught me to associate submission with mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. It was painful. When i met my Partner, three years ago, it became even worse. Because this time i was with someone caring, understanding, wise, and strong. And yet i could not get rid of my thoughts, and each time they appeared, i felt paranoid. Whenever i felt submissive, i was overwhelmed with insecurity, associating my Partner with all the abusive men i’d known, and it hurt.

i think i’m now beginning to understand where all of that came from. The only definition of submission i could come up with involved sex, pain and violence. i didn’t see a difference between submission and domination, i could not imagine submission outside of sex, i could not think of how it could be positive, and i hated myself for needing it. i have read as much as i could on the subject, but nothing was helpful or brought any relief. It was only a couple of weeks ago that, after a period of complete despair, i unexpectedly saw things from a different perspective.

i realised i don’t want to be violated; i long to be vulnerable. i don’t want to be dominated; i want to submit. And not just submit: it is my Partner that i want to give myself to. i don’t want to be gagged; i want to serve, support and please him. And that realisation was only possible now that i am with a man for whom i feel unlimited respect, trust and love, and i want this to be expressed in every single little thing i do. He is the first man to evoke these feelings in me in this form.

But i feel it is not his responsibility to coerce me, or to give me orders. i see it as my responsibility to learn how to give myself exactly in the way that he needs me to. That is why the idea of watchfulness appeals to me so much. i want to learn obedience without control, and submission without coercion. i want to explore this side of myself, to give up my wants for continuous surrender. Because nothing i ever thought i wanted has brought me as much bliss and as much arousal as pleasing the man that i love, in any possible way, from sex, to making coffee. And learning from him. This is my safe place and all my negative thoughts have gone away since i discovered it.

Still, at first, after realising this, i wasn’t sure if positive submission was even possible. It sounded both silly and dangerous. i have never talked about it with anyone except my Partner, i have never known any women with feelings remotely similar to mine. So i can’t describe the peace and comfort i found browsing through your website and reading the articles. i am very happy to be here, and i am hopeful that i will have a chance to explore submission in a new way, and that i will be able to find here accountability and guidance.

— m.

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